im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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