my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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