Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
