Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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