the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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