Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
