for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
