I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
