Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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