Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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