I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
