don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Im part way to drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
