Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
