Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
