i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
