All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
