Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
