Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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