Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
