I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
