The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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