I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just wanna soil my oats bro
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
