i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
