I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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