How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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