Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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