i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
