How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
