Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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