I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
