i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
