he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
