I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
