Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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