Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
