News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
