I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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