I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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