our cab driver is having phone sex.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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