I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
