checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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