Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
