My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
