Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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