My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize