Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
