She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
