Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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