Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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