I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
