I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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