I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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