i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
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I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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