he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
