So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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