is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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