I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
