Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
